Where I Don't Live

I don't live in London. As dumb as this is, I couldn't bear to change it from my Facebook timeline. "Lives in London, United Kington" is no longer true. I just changed the privacy setting from "public" to "only me" so only I can see my previous living status whenever I want. I just can't change it to somewhere, nowhere in Massachusetts... Man.

It's 1:44pm and the places I've been today are my bed and the bathroom. It's almost too cold to leave and it's flat out disappointing and sucks the happiness right out of me.

I should have known that I wasn't going to be exempt from abroad withdrawals but I thought I was an outlier.

I remember thinking fondly of Stonehill back in London-that I couldn't wait to be back. It never works out the way we want though. I've realized that many of my friends are not truly friends at all. They're just weekend friends. Same crowd, again. And again. I end up wanting to stay in my bed and bond with Netflix most nights because I'm usually disappointed with the interactions that occur.

So why go out? I so desperately want things to be different. I want to be around funny people. People who don't give a shit about what everybody else thinks of them. I want to be WEIRD. And sometimes I want to go out in my Bob Marley t-shirt but somehow it turns out that I'm the girl who's not trying to attract anybody. That I'm not trying hard enough. Since when was trying super hard ever the cool thing?

When I see the weekend crowd I think "Tonight is gonna be a good night." I am myself, I'll never not be. It sucks holding back; I learned that lesson a few years ago. Other people will agree that weird is the best; weird is funny; weird isn't boring, and nobody wants boring. But you know if you cross that line though-- that weird line, where the weird gets too weird-- you're crazy to everybody else.

So I'm gonna make something happen. Something needs to change. It's about people in our circles. Learning experiences happen all the time and I think I learn something new everyday. So for me and for all the diamonds in the rough: Fight for yourself. Care about yourself. Laugh to yourself. Laugh at yourself. Take SO much pride in weirding everyone out, because it's probably hilarious. And let's make something happen.